The Hidden Costs of Moving Abroad: What Expat Women Don’t Talk About

When moving abroad changes the balance in a relationship

I joined an expat dinner for women recently — the kind many expat women attend after moving abroad, hoping to build connection in a new country.

One mother said something that stayed with me:

“This wasn’t the lifestyle I asked for.”

The moment she said it, I realized I’d heard versions of this sentence many times before.

Over the fifteen years I’ve moved around Southeast Asia, women have said it in different ways, at different stages. But when I was still married — when everything was new and exciting — it didn’t register.

This time, it did.

Many couples move abroad for work opportunities, adventure, or the promise of a better life. At first, it often does look generous. Compared to home, life can feel easier: more money, more space, help at home, warm evenings, dinners out.

There are built-in networks — work drinks, other expats who seem social and settled. From the outside, it looks like success.

It’s only after a few years, when the dust settles, that something else starts to surface.

The sacrifices women describe are rarely dramatic. They’re subtle. By the time they’re noticed, years have already passed. Friendships have been made. Children are settled in international schools.

Life, on paper, works.

Until it doesn’t.

Cracks begin to show. Resentment creeps in. Many women find their own careers quietly shrinking — limited by visas, language barriers, cultural differences, or the sheer exhaustion of starting again.

Meanwhile, their partners progress.

Promotions.

Recognition.

New networks.

More money.

And often, the woman stays behind — managing the household, raising the children, attending birthday parties and parent-teacher meetings, holding everything together in a country that never quite becomes home.

Everything changes when something goes wrong. A relationship strain. A health issue. A looming divorce.

The imbalance that once felt manageable suddenly becomes impossible to ignore. What once felt like a shared adventure starts to feel like a life that slowly drifted off course.

Looking back, there are many things I would have done differently. And I suspect many women who moved abroad “for the family” feel the same.

The truth is simple, and uncomfortable: you only know better when you know better.

I wish that before our move we had asked harder questions. Not dramatic ones — just honest ones. The kind most couples don’t ask, because the move itself already feels like a plan.

Moving abroad doesn’t change a relationship; it magnifies what’s already there.

I think about this lady sometimes. For many expat women, the hardest part isn’t leaving a country but realizing the life they’re living no longer fits.