Searching for Community in a Big City: Why Networking for Expats Often Feels So Empty

I live in Singapore, an expat city where meeting people is easy and forming something meaningful is hard.

But honestly, it’s not just Singapore.

I’ve lived in Amsterdam, London, the US, Seoul, Phuket, different cities, same pattern.

On paper, it looks there is so much choice to connect: InterNations, Meetup groups, running clubs, dating apps, speed-dating events…

And now the new craze in Singapore: Time Left, an app that throws five strangers into a restaurant, promising “connection.”

I remember a guy I met through that app. A regular. Travels between Indonesia and Singapore for business. He proudly told us he’d already been to 33 dinners and “connected with so many people.”

So, I asked the obvious question:

“When you’re in Singapore, do you actually reach out to any of those ‘connections’?”

Awkward silence.

Because deep down, we all know it:

We confuse collecting numbers with forming true connections.

After my divorce abroad, I forced myself to be social again. One year in, I’m in eight WhatsApp group and there isn’t a single person I’d call if I'm in the hospital. People love the illusion of choice, the illusion of connection.

Even in my counselling studies, we have a WhatsApp group. We’ve tried meeting three times. Someone flakes every time. We live 30 minutes apart. We’ve never met.

Funny enough, in Seoul and Phuket, friendships was about quality over quantity, mostly because quantity wasn't an option. Finding a peer in her 40s was rare, and that rarity made us commit. We weren't drowning in the 'abundance' that makes modern expat life so shallow. We were a small circle in a big city, and that scarcity is exactly what made our connections stick.

I've realized that half the people at these 'stranger dinners' aren't there for the person across the table.

They're there to post a photo that proves they're thriving, it's a social checklist not a soul connection.

It's a quiet thought to carry: Sometimes we aren't quite ready for the depth of a real connection, so we settle for just being present.

The next time you’re at a table with new faces, I wonder… are you looking for a place to be truly known, or just a space where you can be seen?